Having a lazy day

I have nothing planned until an evening squash match today. I woke up once to give myself medication in the morning. Then I decided to go back to bed and sleep until now (2pm). I have been having insomnia probably from medication I am on. I have not had good sleep for the past week or so. It is nice to have a day  I can stay in and rest. I'm glad that I decided to do this.

Last night, while suffering from insomnia, I was looking at Resolve's online community site. I'm pretty cautious not going to many online communities because reading too much about IVF from other people makes me anxious. But I figured that Resolve (National Fertility Association) is a good place to go. A big mistake! Of course, I had to read a posting by this woman saying how lupron protocol does not work for people with DOR. I am on lupron but will switch to ganirelix in a few days. I got so anxious about reading her post though. I started doing some more reading. and Yes, It Does Work. It is one of the Sher's successful protocols. I wish people who have no degree in healthcare just shut up sometimes.

So, I'm back to my positive mode and looking at baby stuff again. Today's topic is ring slings. I would love to wear a baby instead of using a stroller. I'm liking this company http://www.sakurabloom.com/ (name suggests Japanese but I'm not sure).

Moving onto the week 2

I finished birth control pill last Sat. I know it doesn't sound much but I felt a big accomplishment. I'm one step closer to the retrieval, transfer, and hopefully pregnancy. I continue with my twice weekly acupuncture sessions. I like my acupuncturists - Victoria and Erin at Yin and Tonic Acupuncture in Midtown Manhattan. I feel better after each treatment. I think they are helping me to stay positive.

I've been looking at a lot of baby stuff recently. Before, I believed that getting my hopes high would be dangerous. I may not become pregnant. IVF is never 100% (it is actually like 45% in my case but I'm not thinking that). I thought I would get more depressed if I have high hopes going into IVF and it doesn't work. But then, I realized that no matter what mind set I have prior, if this fails, I will be devastated. Even if I am 100% pessimistic right now, I will be equally devastated if I don't get the result I want. If so, then, I should stay optimistic and enjoy this moment by looking at baby stuff and imagining bright future... Right?

Juggling work and being a fertility patient

I am a nurse at a cancer hospital. I'm scheduled to work tomorrow night. It will be my first shift since the start of this cycle, and I'm expecting a busy night. Two of my colleagues are out sick, and we are very short-staffed. I guess I am nervous about how I can handle my work tomorrow. I'm doing all right physically. No significant side effects from lupron or decadron at this moment. I just can't sleep well without benadryl (I am not supposed to take any other medication during IVF). But my mind is saying that I want to take it easy because I have started something huge in my life. At the same time, my head is saying how I have to be 100% for my patients who are suffering from cancer. It's a battle between my mind vs my head, or my needs vs. my moral. At the end, I know I will do 100% even though it is going to be tough. Because how can I not? My patients have freaking cancer. How can I not be 100%?

Cycle starts!

My IVF cycle started today at 9:30am when I took my first Lupron shot. Lupron 10 units subcutaneous in the left abdomen to be exact. To my surprise, I was anxious about getting the medication ready. I am an RN - I have mixed and prepared medications probably 1000+ times in the past. But this one felt very different. It was for me.

I have been feeling how unfair it is that I have this medical problem. I know a plenty of women who are significantly older than I am and yet who have no problem getting pregnant. I get angry. I think I was having this feeling of anger today when I started the medication. Then, I remembered this crazy patient of mine from 2-3 years ago. He was a character. What made him so interesting was that he got SO excited about getting treatments like IV antibiotics, and even some injections. He literally screamed "YAY" when I went into his room with one of the injections. To him, it was a vessel to get better. He was strange, but I have a lot to learn from him. Yes, it sucks that I have this issue. Yes, it sucks that I cannot get pregnant easily. But I have this medication which may -probably will- help me get what I want. A BABY. That's a great thing! I am going to scream "YAY" tomorrow morning before the injection like my patient did ;-)